THE MAGNIFICENT ‘7’ RIDE AGAIN

‘Twas sunrise on the second day of November 2002, when the first five of the seven mounted their trusty ole stead – Volvo – and sat off in search of ‘Paradise’. Steered by Tom McCloskey, the rest of the clan comprised Joe Rotherham, Frankie McKay, Joe Sweeney and Peter Keyes – a formidable band of outlaws. Arriving in Glasgow around ‘High Noon’, after their arduous trek across the plains of the Irish Sea, the search commenced for a respectable watering hole in which to savour the local liquor.

Shortly after arrival at ‘Firewater’ saloon, the saloon doors swung open and in swaggered Emma and Tom Hunter all the way from London, to complete the ‘Posse of Seven’. The afternoon was spent shooting pool in a ‘friendly’ game of killer, and spirits were raised as the company’s footwear was scrutinised in turn. McCloskey’s cowboy boots lacked only the spurs, whilst the Sweenster’s shoes had in all probability been roaming around the Florida Keys only weeks previously. Refreshments were consumed in between shoot-outs with the locals, before all retired to the local resting place in order to spruce up for the night ahead (it must be pointed out that McCloskey tried his best to get an early night at this stage).

At the seventh hour past noon all re-emerged looking fine and dandy in their Sunday best attire (with shoes all shining thanks to the polisher on each floor), before saddling up and riding out to Celtic Park, an oasis of fine pasture, surrounded by barren and wild lands. After tying up the horses we awaited the arrival of Sheriff Jim Craig and his fair lady wife to accompany us for cowboy supper in the ‘No. 7’ restaurant. They arrived promptly and the posse increased to nine for several fine hours.

The great leader inspired and captivated the gang with his tales of many a great shoot-out that he had encountered with evil gangs from both nearby, and pastures abroad, and after having finished our fine food, we were put to the sword with a shoot-out with Jim himself. In turn, one question was fired at each member of the posse, and whilst the vast majority were able to evade damage, McCloskey took a fatal blow to the heart by a single shot from a Colt ‘Kilmarnock’ pistol. The damage had been done and McCloskey was left to see out the little remaining time left with constant derision - this was deflected momentarily whenever Sweeney knocked over the champagne bucket and ice was spread throughout the room.

All had had a great evening, and it was well after sunset before we parted in search of Glasgow’s finest entertainment spots and watering holes. McCloskey, McKay and Sweeney were afforded the luxury of travelling along with Jim and Elisabeth Craig, whilst the others had to make do with a local taxi wagon. Our great leader and wife then left us seven to explore and mix with the locals.

We found solace in the ‘Media’ nightclub, where some very hostile locals dwelled. With some fine music McKay, Rotherham and Keyes graced the place with their dance routines, whilst Sweeney and McCloskey put on their best ‘we’re not with them’ faces. Liquor was aplenty and upon closing we found that the night was still young. Indeed upon being questioned by any locals the reply was always the same – ‘The name’s McCloskey, Room 503’. We were informed by another batch of ‘Outsiders’ from Newcastle that Gareth Gates had been passing himself off as Joe Rotherham all evening. Mr Gates was none too impressed at having been found out and went off in search of Will Young, but found it was a ‘long and winding road’. As we returned to the hotel the consumption of alcohol continued, although the posse was reduced to only Rotherham, McKay and Keyes.

At noon we departed the hotel and returned to Celtic Park where a posse of green and white bandits would face the red gringo Mexicans. We rode off to ‘Haughians Finest Liquor In The West Saloon’ where we were accompanied by some easy listening music by the local classical band.

After two hours past noon we then made off to the scene of the shoot-out, and a massacre was on show as ‘Big Bad John’ Hartson showed no mercy to those from Aberdeen. Larsson, Maloney and Balde also fired fatal shots as one by one the opposition fell. Seven scoring hits in all were fired in a truly one-sided match.

After this magnificent show the ‘Magnificent Seven’ packed up and rode off into the sunset.

‘The Magnificent ‘7’ Ride Again’ – The Album
Now On General Release.

Hits include: -

What’s Your Flava      Craig David (feat. Joe Rotherham)
Crocodile Shoes   Jimmy Nail  (feat. Joe Sweeney) 
Holiday    Madonna (feat. Peter Keyes)
Big Bad John    John Hartson 
Stupid Mistake    Gareth Gates  (feat. Joe Rotherham)
Rhinestone Cowboy    Glenn Campbell (feat Tom McCloskey)
Sho Be Do I Love You    Billy Connolly  (feat. Frankie McKay)
Big Brother Theme Tune    Paul Oakenfold (feat Tom Hunter) 

Also in production:
‘The Magnificent ‘7’ Ride Again’ - The Movie
 

Starring: -

Gareth Gates   as    ‘Young’ Joe Rotherham 
Rab C. Nesbitt   as ‘Middle-Aged’ Joe Rotherham 
Oliver Reed   as ‘Old’ Joe Rotherham 
Jamesie Cotter   as Peter Keyes 
John Travolta   as Frankie McKay 
Steve Irwin   as Joe Sweeney 
John Wayne   as Tom McCloskey 
Vinnie Jones   as Tom Hunter 
Nicole Kidman   as Emma Hunter 
Jim & Elisabeth Craig   as Themselves